Just when you thought Osmondmania couldn’t get any worse after Donny stepped into the solo spotlight, along came his younger brother, nine-year-old “Little” Jimmy Osmond.
Long Haired Lover From Liverpool is widely regarded as the worst song ever to reach No.1 in the UK charts, against strong competition in 1972 alone from Benny Hill, Clive Dunn, Chuck Berry, Middle of the Road, Lieutenant Pigand the Band of the Royal Scots bleedin’ Dragoon Guards.
Still, it’s hard to argue against this being the worst, even when the last echoes of My Ding-A-Ling are still ringing in your ears. Especially when you watch the video, which should come with a prize for anyone who makes it to the end. I didn’t.
There he is, in his Christmas jumper, in front of a Christmas tree, his head lolling from side to side in time to the beat – a bizarre habit that must have been drilled into the children by their father – with his chubby face and his cheeky chipmunk grin. Oh how we all wanted to hang him from that tree.
Instead, he made it to the top of the charts, becoming the Christmas Number One for 1972 – and, in the process, the youngest person ever to top the UK singles chart: a million people bought this single. I hope they’re proud of themselves. I bet they all voted for Brexit 45 years later.
I just don’t know where this song came from. It’s written by someone about whom I know nothing. Christopher Kingsley – renamed Chistopher Dowden on the UK release, for some reason – doesn’t even merit a Wiki entry or a photograph on the internet: perhaps he was too ashamed to show his face.
He first recorded and released it under his own name (one of them) in 1969. It was a flop but it reached the ears of Mother Osmond, who thought it would be a lovely song for her littlest one to sing when he made his debut.
She has a lot to answer for.