Trump is given an imaginary “World Peace Prize” by FIFA in advance of this summer’s football World Cup finals. And, like the moron he is, he seems to think it’s real.

Congratulations to World President Donald Trump on finally receiving the recognition he deserves for the “millions and millions of lives” he has saved and multiple wars he has ended (Is it eight? Or has it gone up to nine?).

Not my words, you understand – that might inject an element of doubt – but his own. So it must be true. And there can surely be no higher honour than the FIFA World Peace Prize. After all no one has won it before. In fact it never existed until now.

It’s an honour so special that it had to be invented for him by his close personal friend Gianni Infantino, the head of FIFA, who – entirely coincidentally – are staging this summer’s World Cup in the USA… And Canada. And Mexico. But their leaders just got a cursory nod from the Caligula and Nero of America and Football.

Infantino is a man with a long history of overseeing the dispensation of favours in return for bribes, so he knew that Trump would love a big gold trophy to place in his gilded palace of sin, even if it had to be invented specially for him.

He even struck a special medal for the occasion, because he also knew Trump would love nothing more than to hang it around his neck strut around looking like a fucking idiot – or (as he sees it) an Olympic gold medallist on the podium… If there was a track and field event involving the mass consumption of Big Macs and Diet Cokes.

Accepting his awards with characteristic humility, Trump revealed that this entirely made-up thing was one of the biggest honours of his life, and reminded us once again how great he is, in case we might have forgotten.

He told the audience about the “millions and millions of lives” he and Infantino had saved (I must have missed the FIFA Peace Treaty signed at Wembley Stadium), before mentioning the huge number of tickets FIFA have sold for the World Cup – “a record for ticket sales,” obviously – omitting any mention of FIFA’s controversial dynamic pricing strategy. Or the fact that thousands of tickets have been returned by people not prepared to visit a country ruled by a megalomaniac with shit for brains.

The hilarious thing is that even though this is obviously a completely made-up thing to appease the flatulent oaf’s colossal ego, Trump’s grinning face betrayed the fact he believed it was genuinely an even bigger award than the actual Nobel Peace Prize that he craved so much (and which he has subsequently been given by his Venezuelan puppet Machada… though the Nobel committee are adamant that she cannot transfer it).

Characteristically, like a small child being given a gold star in kindergarten, he proudly boasted that he was “going to wear it now,” beaming like a happy toddler as he hung it around his own neck – a task usually left to the donor of the award – so everyone could see how important he is with his big gold medal.

There was even an official “FIFA Award Certificate” – an imaginary document telling Trump how great he is – that Infantino read out in case there were too many long words for the recipient to process: “We want to see hope, we want to see unity, we want to see a future,” he announced optimistically.

”This is what we want to see from a leader and you definitely deserve the first FIFA Peace Prize,” he added, almost literally fellating Trump with his ass-kissing compliments. “You can always count on my support to help you make peace around the world,” he concluded, referencing his own huge contribution to the imaginary achievement.